It's pretty hard to admit, that actually I was born with a very great sense of competitiveness. I am hardly feeling satisfied with everything I have achieved or accomplished. Whenever I achieve something, I will automatically see other people with a better accomplishment, and suddenly I will feel small. Then I will try again. Then I would envy other people's result. And then again. Again. Again. The never ending vicious circle.
When I graduated with a cum laude degree, I envy people with a summa cum laude degree.
When I graduated in June, I envy people who graduated in April.
When I (almost) succeeded my master degree with a cum laude degree, I envy people with a better degree and better experiences.
When I could study in one of the best universities in Indonesia, I envy people that could have an opportunity to study abroad.
And so.
And so.
And so.
Honestly, beauty people do not make me envy. (Of course they would make me envy for minutes, but then yes that's it.)
Rich people do not make me envy.
But smart people, ambitious people, people with great achievements --they are the ones I would certainly feel envy the most.
In one side, in my defence, apparently I see it as a positive attitude. At least, I am envy people in a good way --since I envy their good achievements. They could just be a reminder for me to never stop trying and always seek the best from yourself. Yet, sometimes it stresses me out. In my bad days, sometimes I wonder what things shall I do later --even in the middle of me working on something, that could make me feel proud of myself. I often feel small, and question whether I do things right, whether I should just like walk out and say, "oh shoot, I think I just don't have to do it anymore", or whether I should just accept the reality on there would always be people who would always do better than you.
Perhaps, this is should be my 2017 resolution.
Eradicate all the envies, angst, insecurities and just keep focusing to always make a better version of yourself.
Sometimes, when the reality really hits me hard, I realise that there would always be someone better than me, but it doesn't mean that I could not be a better version of myself as well. In this very rare days, I come to the acknowledgement that all the achievements I see from them, of course, is not happened overnight.
Perhaps when I sleep and watch all the dramas, they are working day and night; wiping tears and blood to be 'themselves'. All I can see is the moment when they reach the top, but I forget how they vigorously climb and all the cliffs and hanging they are undergone.
Perhaps I just should do a constant reminder to myself about that, so that I would be a little proud of myself.
Of course, this would be the biggest challenge for me, since the insecurity is the treat I was born initially. And I could just hope, this year resolution would not just be a mere promise and sweet talking, yet could be done (or at least be undergone).
Fingers cross. (Yes, not literally since on my belief I am not doing that 'finger-thing', but let's just leave it to that.)
